JW Kennedy (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dr_phlog) wrote,@ 2003-09-03 23:00:00 |
|
Gross Toilet Seat Story (long)
Well, I just wasted an evening wrestling with my toilet. The brave saga is so long I used the lj-cut on it.
A public word of advice to everyone: if you ever have to buy a new toilet seat, DON'T GET THE CHEAP ONE. Spend a few extra bucks for something decent.
Cheap toilet seats are made of pressboard. This is ground-up scrap wood that is mixed with glue and pressed into whatever shape the manufacturer gives it. This stuff works fine, for a while, but it ain't a permanent material. Pressboard toilet seats are sprayed with semi-enamel paint that repels water .. for a while. But eventually the paint comes off in spots, and gradually humidity along with toilet substances such as buttock sweat, water, and other unmentionables, all begin to seep into the porous pressboard. It swells up, gets even more absorbent, will eventually crack .. but before that, ladies and gentlemen, it will start to MOLD.
Pressboard toilet seat mold is black and very unhealthy. You can't get rid of it once it starts because it's firmly entrenched DOWN INSIDE the wood. My toilet seat has been deteriorating for a while, and I noticed the paint flaking away, and the rough area of exposed pressboard getting larger. A closer look revealed: "Great Auk!!! That's not pressboard!" The only thing to do is to GET RID of the toilet seat and replace it with a new one. So a new toilet seat was gotten.
Problem number one: The toilet seat is mounted to the toilet with two bolts that pass through the hinge arms and through two holes at the back of the bowl. You knew that. There are big plastic nuts that screw onto these bolts, underneath the back lip of the toilet, to hold everything secure. On MY toilet, these nuts are nestled down inside a trapezoid-shaped cavity underneath and behind that lip. There is no way to SEE the nut without lying down and shimmying against the wall behind the toilet. Which is impossible, because there's only like a 10-inch clearance on either side. Plus, the nuts are stuck tight; I can't loosen them with my fingers and I can't grasp them with a wrench or pliers, because a) I can't SEE the nut, and b) the shape of the little crevice is such that I can't grip the nut at an angle to get any torque to turn it. Okay, so this is obviously a job for THE RATCHET. I go down to my car and get my ratchet set out of the trunk.
Problem number two: the bolt is too long. Or should I say, the ratchet socket is too short to fit over it and reach the nut. So I hustle over to Lowe's hardware to get a longer socket. They're not that expensive. Well, Lowe's only sells "KOBALT" brand 12-pointed sockets. I want to unscrew a hexagonal nut. That's 6 sides, people, SIX!!! Not 12. The 12-sided socket has shallower sides and doesn't have as solid a grip as a 6-sided socket. You really want your socket to be as snug as possible. I shrugged and bought one anyway, because it's all they had and I was committed to getting this damn toilet seat DONE tonight.
The new socket fits over the bolt, fits over the nut, and it's turning the nut on the right side. But the seat isn't getting any looser. I double-check the threads on the bolt to make sure I'm turning the right direction (I am.) I try the nut on the left side, just for the sake of symmetry, and TWIST! The sorry piece of crap 12-pointed socket has ripped all 6 corners off the soft plastic nut. This wouldn't have happened with a 6-corner socket. Damn Lowe's and their KOBALT sockets. I'm returning that piece of junk. But now I'm stuck with a stripped nut I can't turn, and another nut I can turn but for some reason isn't getting any looser. Why is that?
Well, most GOOD toilet seats (I noticed at the store when I bought my new one) have bolts with some sort of notched, slotted or winged head on them. This bolt head is either exposed, or is concealed under a removable cover that fits on the hinge arm or bracket. Either way, the bolt head is accessible for tightening or removal as necessary. The moldy old toilet seat assembly that I am trying to remove my toilet has SOLID MOLDED brackets. There's no hatch, no secret door, no way to get to the bolt head. This is a problem. In fact it's..
Problem number 3: To test a sudden sickening theory, I grasp the end of the bolt with my pliers and turn. Sure enough, THE BOLT IS ROTATING INSIDE THE SEALED PLASTIC BRACKET. WHAT IDIOT DESIGNED IT THIS WAY??????? No wonder all this ratcheting isn't loosening the nut. The WHOLE DAMN BOLT is turning and I can't do a thing to stop it! I've been rassling with the toilet for about 45 minutes by this point, sweating like a hog in that enclosed space, and cussing like a madman because there's no way it should be this hard.
So, I get out my hacksaw and start cutting a slot in the bracket, with the vague idea of splitting it open to get ahold of the bolt head. But it's made of that indestructible plastic that doesn't shatter; it just kind of flexes so I pry on it in futility for about 10 minutes before giving up. What to do? I saw on it again, more furiously, more out of anger than because I think it will accomplish anything. And then.. By the color of the shavings I can tell I'm cutting into the head of the bolt (which appears to be made of aluminum. Stay away from aluminum bolts.) "Aha!" I cut a slot in the top of the bolt and jab a chisel in the crack to hold it still. "Eureka!" After another 5 minutes of grunting and swearing, I have removed the right-hand nut and that bracket is free.
Now what to do with the left side? I saw a slot in it with the hacksaw, but I can't turn the nut because it is stripped, thanks to the stupid and mostly useless 12-corner socket. What now?? The seat & lid are still attached to the bracket, and I think about prying the whole mess loose with brute force. The plastic will flex, and might release the bolt head. Two mighty tugs, and the back of the seat cracks around the plastic hinge pin. It comes away in my hand, mashes a finger painfully against something hard, and .. horrors .. a 4-inch chunk of it falls in the toilet.
There's no choice but to reach in there and get it out.
After washing my hands, I turn my attention to the left bracket still sitting there, attached to the toilet, defying every attempt to remove it. I now have no toilet seat at all, and I can't put on a new one until I GET RID of that FREAKIN BRACKET!! I finally decide that I have enough space with the seat gone, to lay the hacksaw flat against the rim of the bowl and cut through the bolt right under the bracket. Aluminum, though I disapprove of its use as a bolt, does cut very easily, and in a matter of 2 minutes the bolt was sheared off and the last bracket removed.
It took 5 minutes to install the new seat. It's clean, comfy, and looks classy. I got one of those "solid oak" ones that's made of real wood with a polyurethane coating. Should last a long time. And it's got philips head bolts that will be a cinch to remove when the time comes.
Whew.
Well, I just wasted an evening wrestling with my toilet. The brave saga is so long I used the lj-cut on it.
A public word of advice to everyone: if you ever have to buy a new toilet seat, DON'T GET THE CHEAP ONE. Spend a few extra bucks for something decent.
Cheap toilet seats are made of pressboard. This is ground-up scrap wood that is mixed with glue and pressed into whatever shape the manufacturer gives it. This stuff works fine, for a while, but it ain't a permanent material. Pressboard toilet seats are sprayed with semi-enamel paint that repels water .. for a while. But eventually the paint comes off in spots, and gradually humidity along with toilet substances such as buttock sweat, water, and other unmentionables, all begin to seep into the porous pressboard. It swells up, gets even more absorbent, will eventually crack .. but before that, ladies and gentlemen, it will start to MOLD.
Pressboard toilet seat mold is black and very unhealthy. You can't get rid of it once it starts because it's firmly entrenched DOWN INSIDE the wood. My toilet seat has been deteriorating for a while, and I noticed the paint flaking away, and the rough area of exposed pressboard getting larger. A closer look revealed: "Great Auk!!! That's not pressboard!" The only thing to do is to GET RID of the toilet seat and replace it with a new one. So a new toilet seat was gotten.
Problem number one: The toilet seat is mounted to the toilet with two bolts that pass through the hinge arms and through two holes at the back of the bowl. You knew that. There are big plastic nuts that screw onto these bolts, underneath the back lip of the toilet, to hold everything secure. On MY toilet, these nuts are nestled down inside a trapezoid-shaped cavity underneath and behind that lip. There is no way to SEE the nut without lying down and shimmying against the wall behind the toilet. Which is impossible, because there's only like a 10-inch clearance on either side. Plus, the nuts are stuck tight; I can't loosen them with my fingers and I can't grasp them with a wrench or pliers, because a) I can't SEE the nut, and b) the shape of the little crevice is such that I can't grip the nut at an angle to get any torque to turn it. Okay, so this is obviously a job for THE RATCHET. I go down to my car and get my ratchet set out of the trunk.
Problem number two: the bolt is too long. Or should I say, the ratchet socket is too short to fit over it and reach the nut. So I hustle over to Lowe's hardware to get a longer socket. They're not that expensive. Well, Lowe's only sells "KOBALT" brand 12-pointed sockets. I want to unscrew a hexagonal nut. That's 6 sides, people, SIX!!! Not 12. The 12-sided socket has shallower sides and doesn't have as solid a grip as a 6-sided socket. You really want your socket to be as snug as possible. I shrugged and bought one anyway, because it's all they had and I was committed to getting this damn toilet seat DONE tonight.
The new socket fits over the bolt, fits over the nut, and it's turning the nut on the right side. But the seat isn't getting any looser. I double-check the threads on the bolt to make sure I'm turning the right direction (I am.) I try the nut on the left side, just for the sake of symmetry, and TWIST! The sorry piece of crap 12-pointed socket has ripped all 6 corners off the soft plastic nut. This wouldn't have happened with a 6-corner socket. Damn Lowe's and their KOBALT sockets. I'm returning that piece of junk. But now I'm stuck with a stripped nut I can't turn, and another nut I can turn but for some reason isn't getting any looser. Why is that?
Well, most GOOD toilet seats (I noticed at the store when I bought my new one) have bolts with some sort of notched, slotted or winged head on them. This bolt head is either exposed, or is concealed under a removable cover that fits on the hinge arm or bracket. Either way, the bolt head is accessible for tightening or removal as necessary. The moldy old toilet seat assembly that I am trying to remove my toilet has SOLID MOLDED brackets. There's no hatch, no secret door, no way to get to the bolt head. This is a problem. In fact it's..
Problem number 3: To test a sudden sickening theory, I grasp the end of the bolt with my pliers and turn. Sure enough, THE BOLT IS ROTATING INSIDE THE SEALED PLASTIC BRACKET. WHAT IDIOT DESIGNED IT THIS WAY??????? No wonder all this ratcheting isn't loosening the nut. The WHOLE DAMN BOLT is turning and I can't do a thing to stop it! I've been rassling with the toilet for about 45 minutes by this point, sweating like a hog in that enclosed space, and cussing like a madman because there's no way it should be this hard.
So, I get out my hacksaw and start cutting a slot in the bracket, with the vague idea of splitting it open to get ahold of the bolt head. But it's made of that indestructible plastic that doesn't shatter; it just kind of flexes so I pry on it in futility for about 10 minutes before giving up. What to do? I saw on it again, more furiously, more out of anger than because I think it will accomplish anything. And then.. By the color of the shavings I can tell I'm cutting into the head of the bolt (which appears to be made of aluminum. Stay away from aluminum bolts.) "Aha!" I cut a slot in the top of the bolt and jab a chisel in the crack to hold it still. "Eureka!" After another 5 minutes of grunting and swearing, I have removed the right-hand nut and that bracket is free.
Now what to do with the left side? I saw a slot in it with the hacksaw, but I can't turn the nut because it is stripped, thanks to the stupid and mostly useless 12-corner socket. What now?? The seat & lid are still attached to the bracket, and I think about prying the whole mess loose with brute force. The plastic will flex, and might release the bolt head. Two mighty tugs, and the back of the seat cracks around the plastic hinge pin. It comes away in my hand, mashes a finger painfully against something hard, and .. horrors .. a 4-inch chunk of it falls in the toilet.
There's no choice but to reach in there and get it out.
After washing my hands, I turn my attention to the left bracket still sitting there, attached to the toilet, defying every attempt to remove it. I now have no toilet seat at all, and I can't put on a new one until I GET RID of that FREAKIN BRACKET!! I finally decide that I have enough space with the seat gone, to lay the hacksaw flat against the rim of the bowl and cut through the bolt right under the bracket. Aluminum, though I disapprove of its use as a bolt, does cut very easily, and in a matter of 2 minutes the bolt was sheared off and the last bracket removed.
It took 5 minutes to install the new seat. It's clean, comfy, and looks classy. I got one of those "solid oak" ones that's made of real wood with a polyurethane coating. Should last a long time. And it's got philips head bolts that will be a cinch to remove when the time comes.
Whew.
